The days I wish I wasn’t autistic

[Image Description: some small boats on a lake under a dark cloudy sky.]

I will begin by saying that, no matter if one wants a cure or not, it would be impossible to cure autism without fundamentally altering who that person is, as it would require altering how one’s brain is structured. Most autistic people do not want a cure and the Autistic community is against searching for a cure, and there are valid fears that if such research continues it would be used to promote eugenics and lead to the abortion of autistic foetuses in the same manner as Downs Syndrome today.

That said, even a member of the Autistic community who has spoken of pride in their neurology and seeks to end cure-based rhetoric, can have days when they wish they weren’t autistic. This is one of those days for me, as was yesterday. I try not to talk about this often as I fear it will be used against the autistic community, but it would be disingenuous of me to pretend it was all sunshine and rainbows, and I’ve never wished that I was neurotypical.

There are reasons I can’t go into detail about what prompted this mood, but suffice to say I had to leave something early due to my sensory issues. As a child, I had issues particularly with touch and taste, but these have become much worse as I’ve grown older. I’m still in my mid-20s and my great fear is that if they continue to become worse, the world will become so overwhelming that I’m unable to function in it at all. I may be able to exist as an autistic person in a neurotypical world today, but there are no guarantees for tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel so weak and cowardly. There are things I can’t do that most people can, and that people just simply don’t understand why I’m unable to. At times I feel ashamed of my ‘weakness’, especially when I’m unable to do things I used to be able to do. In the past year, I’ve almost certainly been regressing slightly, I need more support, I’m more anxious and I need to sleep almost half my day just to function at a below-average level. It’s somewhat soul-crushing to realise you’re unable to do the things you want.

Then there’s my lack of employment. I really don’t want to go into this in detail because it’s an extremely touchy topic and when people bring it up, it immediately sets me on edge. This in itself is a problem because ‘what do you do’ is a common small-talk question and it means every new person I meet immediately sees the worst of me. Between that and feeling inadequate and embarrassed at the fact that I’m not earning any money, this is an issue. I know my autism makes it harder for me to find or cope with work.

I’m a big fan of fiction, and I want excitement in my life like the characters in the books I read or the shows I watch. But I am no longer able to cope with the level of excitement I seek. It’s left me in a no-win scenario where I’m either overwhelmed and in pain from pushing myself too hard, or I’m sitting in my bed watching other people live their lives and feeling horribly jealous and upset that I’m not there. So on days like this, yeah, if someone offered me a cure I might take it.

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