[Image Description: a laptop sitting in front of a desktop monitor, both displaying a webpage titled “World of Bees”]
It’s 2014. I’ve just started studying Mathematics at university. I’m interested in the statistics route; I’ve always been fascinated by politics and even though I decided to choose maths on shaky grounds of “I should study a STEM subject so I get a job”, encouraged by teachers, I want to lean towards politics as much as possible.
In my second semester, I get to take a statistics module. I’m excited. I go to lectures, I do my homework, we’re told to go to the computer lab to start work on a project. We are introduced to R. I don’t like R. It doesn’t make sense to me, I can’t get the computer to do what I want it to. In another module, we’re learning Python. I can’t make it work either. I panic, I cry as the deadline approaches and I’ve done nothing. I get poor marks on both computer projects.
It’s 2016, I go to a careers adviser. I say I’m worried about finding employment, I’m not good at interviews, I can’t work while I’m at uni because it would lead to severe burnout. I only have so much energy thanks to being autistic, I say. “Oh, you’re autistic? There are these great employment opportunities for autistic people, you don’t need to interview, just show them how good you are with computers.”
I think back. It’s 2008, I’ve just started secondary school. We’re learning photoshop in art class. I still have serious anger management issues. I can’t do it, it’s frustrating. My entire identity is built on getting good grades as I have no friends. I make another mistake. I pick up the keyboard, scream and throw it on the floor, storming out of the room. It dangles from its wire, still attached to the computer.
I go on the internet and open google. “Autism employment UK” I search. The results load. Coding, coding, coding, coding, coding. I have a headache from staring at the screen. It’s too bright, too white, too pixelated. I don’t like computers. They don’t like me. I read about Luddites and angrily think that they had the right idea. This world is not for me.
I put the laptop away and turn on the TV. “Autistic savant creates robot,” reads the headline. I can hear the presenter “… autistic people may lack social skills, but they have excellent computer skills. This young boy, aged only 9, has managed to…”
I turn off the TV. I look in the mirror and ask myself, what am I? I’m not neurotypical, I’ve never managed to survive in that society without severe masking until I’m exhausted and feel sick. But computers hate me so how can I be autistic? There’s no place for me, not anywhere. I’m an aberration, I shouldn’t exist, there is no place for me in this world.
Not all autistic people are good with computers. Not all autistic people know how to code. Not all autistic people like or want to be good with computers. We exist, we are here despite what the media and everyone else says. Stop assuming we are all computer savants. It hurts people.